Are women to blame for sexual abuse?

Abuse on women in India has been hitting the headlines for the past few years, especially after the horrific Delhi gang rape in 2012. Since then many people have come forward and blamed women for wearing provocative clothing or being out ‘too late’, thus attracting such behaviour. On Sunday, actress Gauhar Khan was slapped by an audience member, thus refuelling this argument.

She was hosting a TV programme when a young man, 24-years-old, accused Gauhar of dressing inappropriately as a Muslim woman and then slapped her.

This is a notion echoed by many who accused the Delhi gang rape victim of being out too late thus putting herself at risk of sexual abuse. Likewise, another Indian girl who was filmed being inappropriately touched by a group of men as she left a club was blamed for this treatment.

I have one question to people who blame the victims: rape takes place all over the world, even in the most conservative and remote communities where women will cover head to toe – are they provoking sexual abuse?

Rape is the worst crime against a woman. Her honour, self-respect, confidence are all violated and scathed forever. Rape leaves mental and spiritual scars that last forever. In a country like India, there is a domino-effect of being shunned by society so your personal, family, social and career prospects are ruined forever.

And now another question for those who believe women provoke sexual abuse: imagine if it was your mother, sister, daughter, wife, girlfriend – how would you feel?

India is a democracy. Or at least that’s what its constitution dictates. How a woman dresses, acts, talks, where she goes and at what time is personal choice. Equality and human rights are legislations that reinforce this.

So why are women expected to cover in sacks, be hardly seen and never heard, remain in the background and not dare dream of a bright future?

Why is their morality questioned if they choose to wear a skirt yet a man who will perversely look or attempt to touch a passing woman is commended by his friends?

When will we grow out of a patriarchal, chauvinist world where a woman is blamed for whatever ill treatment she received whereas a man goes scot-free?

Grow up narrow minded, ignorant people – you have mothers, sisters and daughters. Deal with the filthy animals who can’t keep their flies zipped before you question a woman’s liberties.

Is romance dead?

I have come across some interesting encounters with men who have evolved – or regressed (depending on your point of view) – with how they approach women. Its led me to a sombre thought – is romance dead?

Of course – it all depends on what romance means to you. My family is Hindi cinema crazy so I’ve been exposed to Bollywood films from when I was conceived! And there’s no doubt Hindi films are the most romantic. The focus is on surrealism – to escape reality and instil hope. So as much as I hate to admit it, I’m a hopeless romantic deep down (shhh don’t tell anyone!)

As I’m constantly reminded by friends and family, I am at an age when I need to ‘settle down’ – in fact many believe I’m past the sell-by date (!) so the ‘proposals’ are flying in. It seems age, height and education are the most important factors to try to set someone up for marriage – I won’t digress on how I feel about that. The point is people who appear to have the best intentions (friends and relatives) have introduced me to men or I have been approached with marriage proposals.

If you’re not Asian this may sound pretty full on. How could you think about marriage as soon as you meet someone? Asians think (at least the elders anyway) – why bother getting to know someone if there isn’t a potential for marriage?

Now this is what changed everything.

You would think that being approached by someone on a night out would lead to just one thing. They would have short-term intentions for a physical relationship. Whereas if you have been approached with a marriage proposal or recommended through family, the intentions would be honourable because you would respect the middle person or the fact that marriage is a potential…right?

Wrong.

I have found that some, not all, but a significant number of men (or boys) feel it’s acceptable to proclaim their sexual desires or intention to ‘have fun’ as soon as they get to know you. Initially I was very angry at the audacity of such a bold proclamation but now I feel quite bewildered at the modern approach to romance. Inhibitions have been lowered. People are more confident to say exactly what they feel.

I had questioned whether I was letting off some kind of vibe that triggered such treatment. But I didn’t have to look far to realise this isn’t an alien feeling. My friends – many my age, some younger and others older, have and still are experiencing the exact same thing. It doesn’t appear to be an age thing. It doesn’t appear to be a race/ethnicity thing. It doesn’t appear to be a cultural thing.

It’s across the board.

Maybe men are dictated by their sexual desires and the gentleman persona is just a front to woo a woman. Maybe the intention has always been the same but their method of achieving it has changed. Or maybe life is just so fast-paced now that people are living in the moment without a care for the future.

Either way, suffice to say, such men will not reach their goal – unless they are lucky enough to come across a woman with similar intentions or is feeling vulnerable so needs that feeling of being wanted. Each to their own I guess.

But I will maintain the hope that Hindi cinema has brainwashed me with and hold out for that whirlwind romance that will literally sweep me off my feet. You can only but hope!

After all – ‘someone, somewhere, is made for you…’ (Dil To Pagal Hai, 1997)

Is dowry a dwindling tradition?

In the news I heard yet another tragic story relating to dowry – a woman had been abused by her in-laws because she hadn’t brought ‘adequate’ dowry when she married into their home. This case was in India, where such cases are rife. But are they as commonplace here in the UK?

For those of you who are wondering what on earth I’m on about – in Indian culture; when a daughter is married off, her in-laws are given countless gifts which can vary from money, clothes and gold jewellery to furniture, cars and even properties! This is known as dowry.

Some refer to it as ‘selling your daughter’.

Other cultures across the world have different forms of dowry too and it seems the obvious reasoning behind it is to appease the new family (your child’s in-laws) in the hope that they will treat your child well. It’s an ancient tradition that has been practised across Asia and North Africa. But is there a place for it in the modern world?

I must admit it’s a custom that makes me feel very uncomfortable. It’s led to lifetimes of domestic abuse for women at the hands of their in-laws who feel their son has more value than what his wife has brought with her. I know of a case close to home where the bride was sent home soon after the marriage because the dowry was considered insufficient. Eventually she was accepted back but even after she married her own children her husband continues to be disappointed with the dowry she brought decades ago.

In extreme cases women have been physically and mentally abused, murdered or outcast by the in-laws.

That sickens me.

Such families demonstrate arrogance and ignorance beyond belief. And the irony is a lot of the time the boy is damn lucky to end up with the wife that he has. But oh no, he’s a boy so he’s born with the right to be showered with luxury at his wedding that he hasn’t earned or worked for. And that’s another thing – the bride’s family pay for the wedding and have a double whammy with the dowry…who the hell sets these customs? It’s no wonder girls are unwanted children in India.

Surely you should be looking at the values instilled in the girl who will then be the mother of your children or grandchildren. Her qualities are invaluable and will base the future of your family. Tangible things will come and go but can you put a price on respect, love and etiquette?

Love marriages are becoming the norm in the British Indian community so there isn’t the added pressure of whether or not a family will accept a girl based on the dowry because the couple are in love so the families have to succumb to their wish. However, there is still a culture of appeasing the boy’s family for the girl to be treated well by her in-laws in future.

Although second, third and even fourth generation British Indians here are educated, accustomed to the British way of life and thousands of miles away from India where dowry is commonplace (although its illegal!); the practice remains.

My aunt was married here and my family gave so much in the dowry that her in-laws literally couldn’t fit it in their home. I can’t help but wonder if that was to appease the family so that my aunt would be treated well or if it was a sign of arrogance on my family’s part…

Suffice to say, I won’t be continuing any such nonsense if and when I get married. If a man and his family refuse a girl based on dowry, it’s God’s blatant sign for you to get out while you can! Save yourself a lifetime of misery with a backward, arrogant and ignorant family!

If a man really loves you, he’ll marry you regardless of how lavish or simple your wedding day, and even if you enter a married life with literally just the clothes on your back.

I hope the next generation of British Indians will put an end to the vile custom of dowry and prevent the headache, heart ache and debt of so many families!

Change comes with difficult conversation

Why does it take the death of a celebrity for us to discuss something as commonplace as depression? We need to address the elephant in the room. We need to start talking about mental health.

It baffles me – why is there such stigma attached to mental health that people would rather brush it under the carpet or ignore it as if the issue will disappear.

Did you know one in four people will suffer from depression in their lifetime…that’s at least one person in the average family.

In the Asian community specifically – and I’m speaking from experience – mental health issues are associated with ‘madness’. There is no word to describe depression in any of the many South Asian languages. And rather than try to understand it there seems to be more concern on what others will think, what will society say…

But that won’t remedy the problem, only exacerbate it.

Society isn’t there for you when you’re suffering as a patient or carer so to hell with their ignorant thinking!

And there’s a misconception that only weak or vulnerable people can fall victim to mental health problems. Even the most sturdy of people, like Winston Churchill, suffered from depression.

In extreme circumstances; lack of understanding or support could have a domino-effect and lead to other psycho-physical problems. In the late, great Robin Williams’ case – he felt there was no other option but to end his life.

Thankfully such cases are a rarity but nonetheless a lot of suffering goes on – the patient who isn’t even fully aware of how they’re feeling or acting, their family who feel as if their relative is now a different person and the carer on whom the patient becomes so reliant that the pressure is crumbling. And all of this could be made so much easier by simply talking.

Having a difficult conversation will help iron out misunderstanding around mental health and increase awareness.

Medication alone doesn’t cure depression. And some people are prone to it so they’re likely to fall in and out of depression. But its proven that talking is the greatest healer.

So share your feelings, don’t bottle it up until the emotions burst out irrationally.

Ironically we’re more connected to the world with mediums like social media and the Internet yet we talk face-to-face a lot leas than ever before. We meet each other less because our lives are ‘too busy’. But I don’t buy that. If you want something hard enough or feel strongly about something; you will make the time.

Now think about all those lonely people you know, maybe they’re old and live alone or have suffered a great loss and seem very low. The earlier the symptoms are picked up, the lesser the problem will be.

And all you have to do is talk. Your listening ear could be the lifeboat a drowning soul is searching for.

Its good to talk.

WW1 – 100 years on

One hundred years ago today, Britain entered the biggest battle in world history – World War One. A year ago, this anniversary would have very little meaning to me. But having been involved in the BBC’s flagship WW1 At Home project, I have come to learn how momentous a conflict it was.

Arguably, before Britain joined the war, it was very much limited to a European conflict. However, Britain had its Empire then; therefore all of its colonies joined – officially making it a ‘world war’. Eventually, USA also joined the efforts.

I’m sure many of you will relate more to World War Two based on what you were taught in school. Hitler and the holocaust dominated much of my 20th Century history curriculum. But I knew little, if anything about WW1 – who was involved? How did it come about? What was the outcome?

Little did I know that the war impacted me more personally than I thought. My Great Grandfather, Prem Singh Bilkhu, also served in WW1. I cannot begin to explain the pride I felt when I heard such a significant aspect of my family’s history. He was on the front line but due to poor hearing was shifted to work on tank construction as he was a qualified engineer. My maternal Great-Uncle also served for the Indian army during the war.

I couldn’t help but wonder how my ancestors and over one million other Indians (then colonial India) may have felt when they volunteered to fight in war. For most of them this would have been the first time they left their home country, and that too to fight in a long, bloody, brutal war for a country most of them never visited; Britain.

One in six soldiers was Indian – which in today’s world includes men from Pakistan and Bangladesh. One in six…making this the biggest contribution out of all the Commonwealth nations. Moreover, they were considered one of the most courageous fighters. (I am continuing to beam in pride!) Sadly, the history books fail to acknowledge this huge contribution.

Along with the tens of thousands of British men who initially volunteered to fight – Commonwealth soldiers had little knowledge of the brutality they were about to be exposed to. They were so high on a rush of patriotism that fighting for King and country came before anything.

Soldiers from nations all over the world met at numerous front lines. Men who had never met before, possibly some ethnicities who had never met men from other ethnicities before. Strangers united in a common cause.

Can our generation relate to such passion? Can we relate to such patriotism?

I have spoken to several friends and relatives in their late teens and 20s – the same age most of the troops in WW1 would have been – to ask whether they would volunteer if World War Three were to break out. Unanimously the response was ‘no’ or silence.

We owe a lot to our ancestors who went blindly to the battlefields to fight for our brighter future. Most of them didn’t return home. But their sacrifice has shaped our world today.

If you want to find out how WW1 impacted your local area in the UK, search your postcode on the WW1 At Home portal. You’ll be amazed, touched and inspired by these remarkable stories.

Have we reached the ‘height’ of political correctness?

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I heard the headline the other day that ‘heightism’ was being compared to racism…seriously?! This deserved to be put under the spotlight!

This is after John Bercow was described as a “sanctimonious dwarf” during a parliamentary debate. He compared this comment to mocking somebody for their disability or race.

I’m the shortest in my family and am often called names referring to my height. Admittedly it did affect me whilst growing up because I soon realised I wasn’t going to stretch beyond 5’2” and there was nothing I could do about it – apart from where towering heels, which didn’t help when taller girls would add on the inches with platforms too!

Now I’ve learnt to embrace it. I crack a joke about how short I am and more often than not people will actually comment and say I don’t ‘look’ that short because of how I carry myself. I think that’s the key – it’s all about your attitude, which reflects in your posture.

But I’m an enemy of my own kind – I really don’t like short men. In fact my ONLY physical requirement for a partner is that he is tall – knowing my luck I’ll end up with a Tom Cruise when I crave a Boris Kodjoe!

So if I discriminate against a physical attribute that I share – what does that make me?

But on a serious note – have we become so sensitive that we’re offended or hurt by virtually every joke or comment in jest?

There are some prejudices that I appreciate can be unbearable to experience and should be unacceptable – relating to colour, ethnicity, faith, disability, sexual orientation or gender. These prejudices affect day-to-day living. They impact how people are treated in work and public settings, and possibly even how they choose to live their life. Does height prejudice have the same impact?

I know there’s the age-old argument of what affects one person may not affect another – I get that. But surely we need to lighten up and rise above it (if I could tip-toe that high!)

We’re all different, and its human nature to ridicule/dislike/taunt differences. I think this says a lot about us as insecure species than anything else. But if we allow for any negative comment to affect us how can you even enjoy life?

Today its height, tomorrow it will be receding hairlines or size of hands/feet – oh hold on, men already get caught up about these!

We’re constantly evolving as a society with changing boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable, what is or isn’t politically correct. I’m from an age where we said blackboard and not chalk board, and white board not marker board. We quite happily sang “Baa Baa Black Sheep”.

I’m not saying change isn’t good. Of course it’s needed in many situations – otherwise we’d still be living in an openly segregated society. But where do you draw the line?

Embrace your differences. Once you’re confident with yourself, nonsense from another couldn’t affect you.

And in true Raj style: “just get over it!”

Is Cameron’s Cabinet more representative of modern Britain?

This week David Cameron was busy reshuffling his Cabinet members. In a nutshell, it was out with the old and in with the new – more specifically, young women. The revamped frontbenchers, according to the prime minister, are more representative of Britain. But are they?

Five women (20%) of the cabinet are now women – that’s the same number as in 2011. Although more female MPs have been appointed for more junior ministerial roles. Four out of ten have been to public schools – but have 40% of the electorate? In fact, the new Department for Education is now run by ministers who have been to private schools – can they relate to the electorate? The figures don’t quite add up Mr Cameron.

To give credit where it’s due, he has attempted to appeal to the masses by taking action relative to the common concern that Parliament doesn’t represent the people. But surely what is more important than balancing out who wears a skirt and who wears trousers is ensuring the person picked for the job is the best at it?

More importantly, I believe, the worst Education Secretary we have seen in my lifetime, Michael Gove, has been demoted to Chief Whip. This is by far the biggest outcome of the reshuffle!

Around a dozen old male politicians were cleared to make way for more women and politicians from less privileged backgrounds.

The media frenzy seemed to be more concerned about the appearance of the new women frontbenchers – the fact that they’re young (relative to most politicians!) and stylish. Is that ultimately what a woman in a high position is rated by – their appearance? Surely there should be analysis and comment on their career, ability to the job and experience – or are we just bitchy by nature?

What concerns me is that the four new female recruits have just a few years’ experience as MPs – I hope their promotion is based on ability and not a political gimmick to lure voters (or should I get real and acknowledge the latter is most probably the only truth in the matter).

We talk about feeling disengaged from politics because we can’t relate to the politicians. We accuse them of not understanding us or our daily lives because they tend to be more privileged – but is appointing people on a tick-box exercise than merit the way forward?

As a female, British Asian working in broadcast media, I have seen and heard insinuations that positive discrimination has helped people like me to progress.  It feels like a constant battle to prove yourself when you’re an ethnic minority woman that your talent is much deeper than the colour of your skin or gender.

Positive discrimination has forced employers to consider other factors when recruiting rather than focusing on the most important – ability. And this has caused resentment around others who feel they are being neglected because they can’t fill the diversity quota – and there’s plenty of hostility by Tories who have been sacked or moved elsewhere!

A cabinet that looks more like the electorate would help lure voters. But what is more important is listening to what they want, what they need and what they are concerned about. A good politician can appeal to a diverse demographic by simply listening to them and acting on their requests. Let’s face it; every constituency is made up of a diverse range of people from different backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, faiths and economic status.

MPs need to worry less about how they look and focus more on listening to their electorate. They need to demonstrate this by reacting to their concerns and taking action. Cameron’s reshuffle is a step in the right direction but let’s see more substance than semblance.